Day 31 - So This Is What Dedicated Feels Like

This week has been so far from what I have been feeling like all of dedicated, makes me wonder if this is what it's meant to feel like.

I've used the mountain analogy in the past to describe looking up at the goal to find out that it's not as close as I think it is. But, this feeling was different. Let me explain.

What I'm Feeling

In one word, overwhelmed.

I'm feeling like the goal I'm trying to approach, is ever so slightly moving further as I get closer to it. Not so fast that it feels like it's impossible to reach, but fast enough that I have to constantly curb my expectations.

I feel like I start my day thinking I'm going in a certain direction. (i.e. I'm going to review Anatomy today) In the process, I get introduced to a concept, disease, or drug that I have never been introduced to before. Now I'm left drifting on a tangent moving forward, but away from the goal I initially set.

I'm feeling frustrated that it feels like there's a finite number of things I can fit into my head. With every new thing I'm learning, I feel like I'm losing something in the process. It feels like I'm trying to fill a cup with a hole in it.

Why I Think I'm Feeling It

I realized after reviewing the practice test I took, my thought process through the review session would go something like this:

Right answer? Right rationale? Nice, move on.

Right answer? Wrong rationale?
➡️ Internalize that I my existing knowledge has flaws, correct it.

Wrong answer?
➡️ Internalize that there's so much more I don't know. Learn.

Don't get me wrong, this was THE objective. After all, the point was to correct the information I didn't know and learn new information. But the slow internalization of failures was slowly building under the surface. Being completely enveloped, all day, in the realm of being wrong or not knowing enough, was very taxing.

I constantly tell myself that it's okay to not know everything and that the point isn't to know everything. But it feels like while I can rationalize that, I can't quite get my subconscious to accept it.

Ultimately, I feel like the cause of this feeling is simply that there is an overwhelming amount of information to know. I can enjoy parts of it, and I can even feel like I'm getting the hang of it, but this is never going to be an exam I can feel ready for.

What I'm Going To Do About It

In hindsight, I didn't quite feel this way while doing practice exams.

I was reassured by questions I knew. I felt like I was able to reason and overcome some topics. I was able to move past the ones I didn't know at all quickly to focus on what I could do. I think that's the key for me to curb this feeling.

While I previously used to take a practice exam every Sunday, I think I'm going to start spending most of my time just taking practice exams. I'm going to spend the time after just reviewing them (and doing my Anki).

The Goal: I'm going to actively try to prevent as many tangents as I possibly can. As helpful as they seem at first, they start to feel taxing after a point.

This week, when I did feel anxious, I tried to remind myself: what's the worst that could happen?

Worst case scenario

I fail. I'm forced to take a year off.

I have actually already experienced that feeling once, when I didn't get into med school for my first time. And if you had asked me then, I wouldn't have wished that feeling on my worst enemy. But, I feel like going through it once changed me now. (That experience needs it's own post)

Today, I no longer feel like my life will come to a halt. I have a million other things I would love to do, that would still give me joy and purpose in life.

As cliché as it sounds, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Final Thoughts

To be honest with you, I'm not sure if this method will work.

I'm sure I might be telling you that something has changed a week from now, but for now this is what I'm thinking. If you're feeling this way too, I just want you to know that you're not alone.

'til next time, good luck. ✌️