Day 23 - The Cost Of A Productive Day + Dedicated Overall

Okay, yesterday was definitely one of the most productive days I've had thus far, but it cost me. In the process, I've also come to learn an important aspect about MedSchool. Let me explain.

Yesterday At A Glance

The results of the practice test yesterday really motivated me to get cracking on the UWorld Anki that I've made.

800 cards filled with all the information I've learned from 45% of the UWorld questions. After about two Pomodoro sessions into it and only 20% of the way through, I came to the realization that I grossly underestimated how long it was going to take me to finish.

I originally planned on finishing the Anki and maybe starting to review the practice test. I ended up going straight through my Pomodoro timers several times over, pushing myself to complete every deck.

And over eight Pomodoro sessions later, I ended up here:

It may not look like a lot for my fellow AnKing users. But the Anki I've made usually incorporate multiple long-winded questions, and large concepts. To put it into context, the last time I did that many of my Anki was February 25, 2022. Nearly a year ago.

By the time I posted that picture on my Instagram, I was thinking "man...I'm so close to getting the number to zero" but I could barely think at that point.

Let me tell you where it went down today.

How It Went Down

The thing I realized early on in Medschool about uber-productive days like these is that they're not sustainable. You'd feel amazing on Day 1 like you conquered the world. You might even be able to push it to day 2 and it would feel even better. But without realizing it, the next day you'll find your mind struggling to focus. Struggling to just stay on track.

It's like the Limitless scene where Bradley Cooper comes back down from his NZT rush.

It's hard to sustain that kind of cognitive effort without crashing. And that is what I felt happened today.

The Crash

I still started today the same way as any other, but I found my mind constantly drifting. Constantly searching for ways to procrastinate, finding ways to avoid the task at hand. I tried to stick to the Pomodoro sessions as best as I could, and that was the only reason I was able to successfully complete the remaining Anki from yesterday as well as the reviews.

Success. Right? Didn't feel like it.

It's alarming to me that even on days when my mind is urging me to stop, I'm trying to push through. I understand the risks that I'm facing. I understand that burnout is sitting at the end of this path if I keep pushing it, but the drive was just something else.

Even at the brink of a cognitive coma from the night before, I couldn't shake the idea of "what if I just finish these last few Anki". It's incredible how different I've become over these past two years. Scary, but also a little incredible.

Dedicated At A Glance

The past 3.5 weeks have undoubtedly been the most focused, driven time I've ever had in my entire life. While I've studied and learned more than I've ever done, I've also been more emotionally and cognitively fatigued than I have ever been.

It's scary to believe that this is a right of passage that we need to take to achieve the 'galore' of becoming a practicing Physician. While it gives me hope that many others have followed this path before me, it's scary to think about the ones that didn't make it.

Although I've never considered self-harm, I feel like I'm starting to understand the place the Medical School can take you. I can see how without establishing strong support systems, it's not hard to find yourself in a pit questioning if it's all worth it, or if you'll ever find your way out.

Final Thoughts

I don't mean to say this to scare anyone away, but the reality should be stated as such. Medical School has been an incredible experience, and I don't think I would change much if I could go back, but Dedicated has been a lot more than I could have expected.

If you're reading this about to start, or in the thick of it. Take time to set boundaries so you can prioritize caring for yourself. Take a day off. Call a friend. Watch a movie. Find a way to just break the routine.

Above all else, realize that you are more than Medicine.

Good luck. ✌️