Day 3 - Having Doubts

Today was a slump as far as my dedicated plan goes. After finishing the reviews for the cards I made for the past two days (which only took a couple of hours), I got no new content done.

I ended up trying to make up for it by finishing house errands (i.e. cooking, cleaning, laundry, small maintenance things, etc) but I couldn't shake the feeling that maybe I'm underestimating this exam. Let me explain.

During Pre-Clinical Didactics

If this was during my pre-clinical years, if I had two very productive days in a row, I would be more than okay taking a day or two off following it. Since I was making my own Anki and prioritizing comprehension rather than memorization, I could trust that a simple pass through them again would be enough to jog my memory and get back into pace.
Hence, why it never really bothers me to spend hours/ days doing other tasks like this Instagram account for example. But now...

Now

Now though, it feels like I'm being ignorant about the effort that Step requires. I'm having doubts about starting this blog, or doing anything besides studying because well, what if it doesn't get me past the line?

I had a weird dream that I was doing one of those "watch me open my Step results" videos, and turns out I failed, and I was just lost for words. Although I'm not usually a very anxious person, it was anxiety-inducing for sure.

My Reality

I've had doubts about the "Part-Time Medic" lifestyle in the past. This isn't a new feeling. In the past, this would be my inner monologue:

"What makes you think that you can get by doing half the work when there are thousands of other students struggling while doing this full-time? You're not that smart."

And to be honest I don't think I am. I rarely (if ever) got an A on exams, and I never hit the bands for AMA or any other academic honors. I guess I also never failed an exam but still.

Summary

The point that I'm trying to make is that the lifestyle I'm aspiring towards isn't a one-and-done kinda mentality.

Even after coming up with the idea of it nearly two years ago, I have to regularly battle my doubts about it. The expectation that we've had for what it takes to do Medicine is brutal, and I do often find myself feeling inadequate to handle it.

Despite those feelings though, when I look at the road behind me, I've come this far. The metaphor I like to use is this:

Studying for an exam is like running a marathon blindfolded. You have a specific distance to cross to successfully make it, but you don't know how far you've come until you stop.

For a lot of people, the fear that they would arrive just short of the finish line pushes them to sometimes run 2 or 3 marathons in the process. Not realizing that they've already made it a while ago.

In retrospect, despite stopping early or taking breaks, I've always made it past the line. It was anxiety-inducing to do so, but the evidence supports it.

Conclusion:

All in all, I agree that Step takes a lot more work than any pre-clinical exam. But I don't think the answer is to power through the anxiety or forego days that require rest.

I'm going to continue fighting this battle for myself, and until next time, good luck ✌️